New Word

So far, we say (among other things):

Bite
Hat
Outside
Laundry
Water
Banana
Bye-bye
Milk
Truck
Puppy
Hi
Baby (i.e. anyone under 18 years of age)
Jesus
Bible story book
Amen
Crunchy
Yeah
Done
Hot
Mom, Dad, and various relatives (depending on the day)

Victor's newest vocabulary addition is "happy," taught by Grammy and Grandad this weekend.  We miss you, Grammy and Grandad!

New Adventure

Well, this week brought a new open door.

Ben received news that he has been offered the job he applied for a couple months ago.  And so, with a deep sense of need for God's help and enabling, he has accepted the position as the Coordinator for Young Adult Discipleship, South.  Or in other words, he'll be working with the senior high students at the South Site.

I was thinking this morning about how much God has done.  When I first met Ben, almost 8 years ago, he was footloose, spontaneous, energetic, fun-loving.  Through these years, I have had a front-row seat to God's wonderful deepening work.  And I have seen such growth, change, maturing, thoughtfulness, and sanctification that I just marvel and praise the Lord.

It's been a road with many twists and turns, hon.  And I'm so thankful to be going with you around the bend again to see what God has in store in this.  And don't we know already, that He will be giving us more of Himself?

I love you.

Photos

We had a nice walk this afternoon, and Victor came back with some pretty fabulous hair.  

If It Doesn't Kill You

Looking at my calendar today, it struck me as odd that it was only 3 weeks ago that Ben had his birthday.  It was only 2 weeks ago that we went to the emergency room.  It was 1 week ago that we had our first sleeping-through-the-night again, post cold.

Victor and I went to Once Upon a Child today, to get some new shoes (since his toe is poking out of his current pair).  He coughed once.  I don't think I'm normally the paranoid type, but I will admit that to hear him cough makes my heart skip a beat.  A month ago, when he was coming out of his first cold, I was telling someone at church that he had been sick and it had been pretty rough.  He laughed at me (the first-time mom) and waved a hand, saying, "Amy, he'll be fine!" 

I'm sure there is some first-time mom stress involved.  But my experience of his two sick spells of late pressed me closer to excruciating than I have been for a very long time.  More than one night, I lay in bed (or sat in the dark in the living room), listening for Victor, with the minutes ticking by in a helpless, agonizing struggle.

A week ago, he started perking up and showing us his old cheerful self, and I felt like I was panting, like I had been underwater until my lungs ached and finally gasped in some clean, pure air again.  I was in recovery myself, I think, and not just from sleep deprivation.

1 Peter 1 says that God gives us various struggles for a little while--if necessary--for the proof of our faith.  Maybe it's like weight-lifting (which, though you may find it difficult to believe, I participated in twice a week in high school).  You bench press a comfortable weight to start out.  Then you increase it for your second set.  And often times, you'll finish by trying to max it--lift the greatest weight you can handle (which never took a whole lot for me).

After the last set, your arms are shaking.  Your muscles are broken down and exhausted.  (I remember some very awkward attempts to wash my hair post-workout, when I could barely get my arms up to my head.)  But after you've rested for a day or two, you are stronger than you were before.  As they say, if it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger.

I don't know if I feel stronger yet.  When I think about Victor getting sick again (and I know it's going to happen), I just feel limp inside.  But God was faithful.  And He will be faithful. 

Last week I listened to this brief discussion with Pastor John on What Is Strong Biblical Womanhood?.  He talks about the woman who laughs at the future (from Proverbs 31), who does what is right without being frightened by any fear (from 1 Peter 2).  I want to be a woman like that. 

I don't have strong faith.  But I have a strong God.  And since He's patient and wise and good, He doesn't give suffering to crush but to strengthen my faith.  May it be.

Piranha Momma

Piranha Momma strikes again...

Sunshine Again

The past two days have been lovely indeed.  Victor is showing marked improvement.  At last the cough is subsiding, and (besides some really horrible diaper rash) he is eating, sleeping, and playing like his old self.

We are so thankful for so many peoples' prayers.  This has been a long haul, and I've done some ruminating on its effects on me.  But what a pleasure to wander in the sunshine as a family this afternoon, relishing the warmth and light and renewed health to enjoy it.

Sunday Night

It's been a fairly quiet, cold, rainy day here. Victor and I were home from church, partly due to his on-going cough and partly due to my lack of sleep.

I think, in general, he is doing better. His energy is good, his cheerful smiles returning, and his appetite seems to be coming back (albeit, in a more picky form than prior). The cough hangs on. I think it's a little softer now, and he has only had a few really hard coughing fits today, so I'm just praying that it will little by little subside into calm.

Precious moment of the day:

After lunch, I told Victor, "Jesus loves you." 

And he smiled up and poked his chest and said, "Me, me, me!" ... just like in "Jesus Loves the Little Ones Like Me" song from his Bible songs DVD.  

We would have loved to go with Daddy to the celebration for Pastor John's 33-year ministry at Bethlehem, but it's been a nice kind of evening to chip away at things at home.

For anybody who is interested, here is Pastor John's Easter message, his last sermon as a pastor at Bethlehem.

Anemic

This morning I woke up anemic. At least, that's my diagnosis. I sat like a drugged woman next to Victor, holding his neb mask and staring blankly at the singing children (affectionately labeled by Victor). I could barely hold myself sitting upright. Ben made me a smoothie with spinach and literally within 2 drinks, I was able to smile at my son and bob my head to the music. The body is a complex and amazing creation.

Crying Uncle

That's what my good friend Grace used to say, when a situation was just over her head and there was nothing left to do but surrender to God.  She'd throw up her hands, close her eyes, and say, Uncle.

The past couple days have been disheartening in their lack of news.  Victor is still coughing, still not eating well, still not sleeping well.  Yesterday there were lots of uglies coming out of this mommy heart, as the fatigue combined with frustration and a sense of helplessness.

Today started out with a similar emotional quagmire.  When I'm tired, the temptations are thick.  I felt numb, with brain and body buzzing of fatigue and discouragement.

Ben and I both felt like it's just been too long without any progress, so I called first thing to make a doctor appointment for Victor.  Then realized later that I made the appointment with the one doctor in our practice who had been "not recommended" to me.  So I called back and asked to re-schedule for a later time with a different doctor, and after going through the whole story again (in a not-so-coherent fashion, I'm afraid), I hung up feeling a combination of annoying, incompetent, and faithless.

I almost cancelled it again, but Ben still thought it would be good to at least ask our questions to a doctor, so we went as planned, despite it being well past naptime.

The pediatrician we saw (who also saw Victor exactly 3 weeks ago at Cold #1) was very careful and listened well.  His breathing sounded totally clear, so she pretty much ruled out pneumonia (plus, no fever).  She recommended no more Prednisolone (which I'm glad to quit) and said we should continue treatments of Albuterol and Budesonide to calm his airway and lungs.  And she said he had an infection in one ear, which is probably the reason his body is still producing excess mucus and exacerbating the cough.  Knock out the infection, and the gunk should clear up and his airways settle down again.  And she also prescribed an additional round of Budesonide, because we only have 9 vials left, and insurance was saying we couldn't get a refill until a week from tomorrow.  (We can pray that one goes through.)

So... besides the fact that Victor always perks up when he gets to go outside, see lots of trucks, and talk to people (little social butterfly that he is), I am feeling heartened at the Lord's kindness to give us another little boost of help and direction. 

I sought the LORD, and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears.  Those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.  

Postscript: Just to show what a funk I was in yesterday, I got this cute video of Victor.  He has discovered twirling and has been doing it all the time now ... including in his crip (which was nearly disastrous).  And I didn't want to post it because it is so happy and I was so NOT.  But here it is...

Questions and Comforts

Well, the journey continues.  We had a good appointment at the pediatrician yesterday.  The things that stick out to me ...

Victor is 75% for height and 10% for weight.  I think the past 2 colds have taken a toll, because our little guy hasn't been so little before.  It makes me a little sad, actually, to see his sleeper looking kind of baggy.  But I expect that is just a little blip on the radar. 

Bottom line for his current virus, we'll keep on with the meds and nebs.  The bigger point that he made was, this is developing into a pattern.  When a cold comes, it seems to go to his lungs.  And from there, it gets fairly ugly.

So, with one trip to the ER fresh in my memory, I found myself with a little quality time at 1am awake in bed, pondering our care of our son.

What does this mean for time with our extended families?  How do we balance caution for his health with care for others?  Bottom line, trust and obey one step at a time.  And God will make the way straight. 

From Spurgeon's Morning today: ... the place that is called The Skull.--Luke 23:33

The hill of comfort is the hill that is called The Skull or Calvary. ... No scene in sacred history ever gladdens the soul like Calvary's tragedy.

Is it not strange, the darkest hour

That ever dawned on sinful earth,

Should touch the heart with softer power,

For comfort, than an angel's mirth?

That to the Cross the mourner's eye should turn,

Sooner than where the stars of Bethlehem burn?

Light springs from the midday-midnight of Golgotha. ... If you want to know love, then go afresh to Calvary and see the Man of Sorrows die.

I have fallen into the trap before of wanting God to give me some sign that He loves me.  I don't feel loved; show me somehow that You really care.

 

But it's like this.  I was in impenetrable chains, with the Enemy's noose about my neck and black hood over my head, headed not to simple death but to eternal suffering.  And I was not kidnapped into this state, but I mutinied, spit in the face of my Father, and went clawing, swearing, blaspheming into the arms of death.

Instead of letting me go my own way, He sent His cherished Son to absorb the torture, abuse, judgment, and slow, agonizing death in my place, to ransom me. 

What more evidence could I ask?  Forgive my unbelief.  You have absolutely proven Your heart toward me is for good. 

This Morning

Victor punctuated last night with many brief coughing fits, but he only actually woke up needing me once, and I slept between coughs, so I am personally feeling quite a bit more human today.

From Spurgeon's Morning for today: And there followed him a great multitude of the people and of women who were mourning and lamenting for Him. Luke 23:27

They bewailed innocence maltreated, goodness persecuted, love bleeding, meekness about to die, but my heart has a deeper and more bitter cause to mourn. My sins were the scourges that lacerated those blessed shoulders and crowned with thorns those bleeding brows; my sins cried, "Crucify Him! crucify Him!" and laid the cross upon His gracious shoulders. ...

The reason for those women's love and tears is plain to read, but they could not have had greater reason for love and grief than my heart has. The widow of Nain saw her son restored--but I myself have been raised to newness of life. Peter's mother-in-law was cured of the fever--but I of the greater plague of sin. ... Mary and Martha were favored with visits--but He dwells with me. His mother bore His body--but He is formed in me, the hope of glory. Since I am not behind the holy women in debt, let me not be behind them in gratitude or sorrow.

Good to remember the main thing.

Update on Victor and Us

Last night in the emergency room

Well, a new day with new mercies.

Victor was still coughing quite badly this morning, but for the middle of the day he improved, and then worsened a little toward evening.  He is so cuddly and needs lots of snuggles from Momma today.  We're giving the Action Bible Songs DVD a thorough workout.

It wrenches to see and hear him struggling so, but the Lord is showing lots of kindnesses.

So glad for some meds to ease the cough somewhat (despite the jitters coming back again from the Albuterol ... but we see the doctor tomorrow, so will ask about the alternate med). 

Glad for the milder weather.  We went out for two walks today, and I think the cool air (and all the trucks) perked him up a little bit.

Glad for Ben's help.  He gave me an hour to get some work done (I'm way behind in emails), gave Victor a bath, helped with laundry, and was generally a cheerful presence tonight.

Glad for care of friends and for "family away from family" who love us so well.

Glad for the promises that God cares for our cares and answers prayer.  Glad that He never wastes hardship but turns it for our good.  Glad that He is a good shepherd who watches over His little ones.

Lies creep in, especially when I'm exhausted.  God isn't doing anything.  We're in the exact same shape we would be without Him.  He is ignoring all my pleas for help.  He could heal Victor in a moment ... but He won't.

Something I read in A Million Ways to Die came to mind today.  God often positions humans in circumstances of dire difficulty and struggle and then seems to linger in the background, holding back a tangible response while His child calls and seeks.  Like when Lazarus was sick, why did Jesus wait 4 days before coming?

He wasn't being sadistic.  He wasn't lacking any love for Lazarus or his sisters.  He wasn't playing games.  He was granting a gift--an opportunity for heart-exploding faith to grow.  What would have been different if He had come and healed Lazarus at the beginning?  What would have been missing?

A 3D picture of His own resurrection power.  A lived-out example of His trust-worthiness and
goodness even in the valley of the shadow of death.  An unforgettable witness of His victory over sin and death.  Broken-hearted, wondering worship for Mary and Martha that would prize Him and worship Him and trust Him even when evidence seemed irrefutable that He was the reason for this beloved brother's death.  And then a total vindication of His love--not only in this age but also in the age to come.

So, we have good reason to trust Him.  And when His love comes cloaked in the horrible, heart-rending, or harmful, then we get a workout in faith, to test Him and find Him faithful yet again.

Trip to ER

I'll have to come back and fill in the events of the last week, including a few days in Iowa with all 4 sisters together (and 5 children 2 and under!).

Our welcome-home (Victor's and mine) yesterday afternoon was marked by a severe worsening of a cough he started getting Friday afternoon.  He coughed through an entire 2-hour nap, dozing between fits.  He puked in his crib, and before and after a neb treatment he again lost the entire contents of his stomach.  His breathing was pretty shallow and fast too, so the pediatrician's office said we should probably take him to ER.

I think all visits to the emergency room are grueling.  We wrapped up there around 9:45pm, but our quest to find a pharmacy to fill his prescriptions (an excruciating venture all its own) had us crawling into bed around midnight. 

Victor did pretty well through the night, though he only slept until 6am (which is normal), but my body thought we had decided to take the night off of sleeping, so I didn't have much rest. 

The diagnosis was, probably just a bad viral cold, but his symptoms were similar to whooping cough (though he has been vaccinated), so they tested him for that. 

We would surely appreciate prayers.  It's been a string of nights of poor sleep for me, so I'm feeling pretty depleted (and overly emotional), and Victor is still quite miserable. 

Consider it all joy...

Dinner with Ed

We had Ben's dad down for dinner Tuesday night, and finally got to celebrate his birthday (from February).

I think this is the best picture of Ben with his dad I've ever gotten.

We love you, Dad!

Car Seats

This is just a helpful blog post that clarifies some good ... and/or dangerous car seat information.

Some of the points were new to me, so I thought it may be helpful for others too.

May the Lord preserve and keep our little ones safe from harm.