Fathers, Manhood, and Bearing Up Under Burdens

When I was little, my sisters and I asked my dad to read us Harriet and the Roller Coaster before bed.

Every night.

For hundreds of nights.
Maybe thousands.

And every night, he would read it, and kiss us, and tuck us into bed.

The world talks much of personal expression, following your dreams, making sure that others do not trespass on your personal rights and privileges. It talks of satisfying your deepest longings, doing what makes you happy, and refusing to settle for anything less than what is best for you.

That kind of personal strength, which is willing to sacrifice anything and anyone who becomes an obstacle to true personal happiness, is a hoax. A terrible lie. And suffocating bondage.

And the toll that lie has taken on our men and fathers, and their families, is tremendous. (The toll, of course, is not limited to men. That's just the side I'm thinking about today.)

I'm so grateful I grew up with a daddy who showed us a different way. Us four little girls grew up with a true example of what manhood means.

Making sure Mom's car was always full of gas.
Paying the bills.
Showing up for work every day.
Showing up for supper most every night.
Showing up for church on Sundays (twice) and Wednesdays.
Showing up for our plays, ball games, and recitals.
Taking out the trash.
Making decisions for the good of others.
Serving at church.
Making us feel loved and secure.

There is a lot of thankless, tedious, dirty tasks and general hard work involved in responsible manhood. It's not a road for the faint of heart. And when the going gets tough, it becomes evident what fuel your service runs on. Is it some kind of personal agenda or satisfaction? Or is it drawing from the deep well of resources that God supplies?

I'm glad to be married to a man who commonly, daily, without fanfare bears up under burdens and bears us up too.

Happy Father's Day to the dads who have made such a difference to me!

Some other good thoughts on manhood and burdens.

Fathers, Manhood, and Bearing Up Under Burdens

When I was little, my sisters and I asked my dad to read us Harriet and the Roller Coaster before bed.

Every night.

For hundreds of nights.
Maybe thousands.

And every night, he would read it, and kiss us, and tuck us into bed.

The world talks much of personal expression, following your dreams, making sure that others do not trespass on your personal rights and privileges. It talks of satisfying your deepest longings, doing what makes you happy, and refusing to settle for anything less than what is best for you.

That kind of personal strength, which is willing to sacrifice anything and anyone who becomes an obstacle to true personal happiness, is a hoax. A terrible lie. And suffocating bondage.

And the toll that lie has taken on our men and fathers, and their families, is tremendous. (The toll, of course, is not limited to men. That's just the side I'm thinking about today.)

I'm so grateful I grew up with a daddy who showed us a different way. Us four little girls grew up with a true example of what manhood means.

Making sure Mom's car was always full of gas.
Paying the bills.
Showing up for work every day.
Showing up for supper most every night.
Showing up for church on Sundays (twice) and Wednesdays.
Showing up for our plays, ball games, and recitals.
Taking out the trash.
Making decisions for the good of others.
Serving at church.
Making us feel loved and secure.

There is a lot of thankless, tedious, dirty tasks and general hard work involved in responsible manhood. It's not a road for the faint of heart. And when the going gets tough, it becomes evident what fuel your service runs on. Is it some kind of personal agenda or satisfaction? Or is it drawing from the deep well of resources that God supplies?

I'm glad to be married to a man who commonly, daily, without fanfare bears up under burdens and bears us up too.

Happy Father's Day to the dads who have made such a difference to me!

Some other good thoughts on manhood and burdens.

Pep Talk: Reasons to Exercise

[In case there was a question, the person I'm preaching to here is me. If someone else is helped, good.]

This morning I ran 2 miles on a treadmill. It was horrible. I forgot that running on treadmills always leaves me feeling nauseous and woozy. (I think it's because I always spit all. the. time. when I run, and on a treadmill I have to just choke on that nasty phlegm the whole time...) Anyway.

After recovering from that, here are 5 reasons why I should not and (hopefully) will not quit pushing to get some form of physical exercise in my life. 

1. Good decisions tend to beget good decisions. As witnessed by the fact that this morning I had a bowl of cereal and a fruit smoothie for breakfast. Instead of a huge cinnamon roll. Speaking very pragmatically, when I realize the amount of physical exertion required to burn 208 calories, it makes me a little more sensible about what I pop in my mouth on a whim. And getting in the habit of making wiser decisions ... that's helpful in a lot of ways.

2. You are more likely to pray, memorize, and review Scripture while you exercise. I may not have derived too much deep spiritual insight from my rough review of Colossians 1-2 this morning, since I was basically just desperate to take my mind off the horribly slow progress of blinking lights around the loop on the treadmill, but nevertheless those words are fresher in my mind than they were before. And normally when I'm outside and moving, it's a great time to pray, since I have to focus my mind anyway to keep pushing forward.

3. When you are stronger, you have more energy to love your family and others. When I'm tired, low energy, and feeling weak all over, it's an extra hurdle to putting others' interests ahead of my own and jumping into loving people around me. I've had long seasons when I just haven't gotten enough sleep at night to muster the strength to exercise during the day. But when I'm at a pretty "normal" rest level, then working to get consistent exercise has definitely been a big energy and strength booster. And even when I'm too tired for an intense workout [intense = 2 mile run, ha!], even getting some fresh air for a short walk is a good boost.

4. It's a good reminder that the flesh is a good servant and terrible master. When I'm on the homestretch in a run, often the words that come to mind are, "Therefore, I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave, so that after I have preached to others I myself will not be disqualified for the prize." There is something in exercise that reminds me not to coast in the rest of life.

5. If you exercise, you may live longer. As Paul says, "That will be fruitful labor for me."


And 3 points to balance the perspective:

1. Exercise can take too big a place.
2. Your body is a temple. Worship God with it, and not body image, physical victories, or acseticism.
3. All things are created by God and good, when received with gladness and prayer. Even huge cinnamon rolls, thank You Jesus.

Meltdown Moments

It was Tuesday. Very poor nap for Josiah. Both boys coming off colds. Two doctor appointments in a row.  We arrived too early for our first appointment, and had to wait 20 minutes before our second.

We were on thin ice for sure.

The books were not interesting.
Victor didn't want a snack.
Not the time to pull out the contents of the backpack, just before being called for our appointment.
Victor started pushing the stroller wildly around the waiting room, and I said he needed to stop.

Major meltdown.

This (of course) was the time that Josiah realized he was ravenous and exhausted, and he really cranked the screams into second gear.

The receptionist, our physical therapist, and the other occupants of the waiting room at that time got quite a show. (I tried to duck into the adjoining bathroom, but the door wouldn't open. Of course.)

Something about two screaming children, a stroller, a Baby bjorn, a backpack, a diaper bag, and a sweaty, somewhat helpless, momma just felt ... right.

This is life down here, right? The moments when everything comes unglued at once, when the sin of our hearts sloshes over, and it's no good trying to paste a happy face on top.

And it's really for our good.

Perennially cheerful, sweetly obedient, and compliant children could make me forget that there's a little sinner's heart underneath it all. And that my job as a mother is not just to enforce behavior modification. It's to pray for and shepherd toward a God-given heart transformation.

And whatever the inconvenience and disruption, such moments open the door for talking about the most important things.

We have bad, broken hearts (Mommy too). But God didn't leave us alone in our sin. He sent Jesus, who was always good, but He died to cover over our sin. And if we will trust in Him, He will forgive us and give us a new, good heart, so that we can be with Him forever.

So, I always love you, my two little boys, and I pray that you will see your need for a big God and receive His big grace that helps us in our time of need. Which is all the time.

Dangers of Discipline, Part 2

Continued thoughts...

4. Shame

We have probably all been in a situation before where someone (stranger or friend) reamed out their child in front of a crowd.  Maybe it was thoughtlessly done, or maybe it was an intentional tactic to try to change the child's behavior, but whatever the case, dishonoring or shaming a child is a danger in discipline.

Sometimes we can do the right thing (in addressing wrong or foolish behavior) the wrong way, in the wrong tone, or at the wrong time. 

The Bible talks about the pain of dishonor.  Even in a situation where the psalmist confesses sin and folly before the Lord (Psalm 69:5), he still asks for relief and comfort from being shamed and dishonored (69:19-20).

So it seems significant that we as parents seek to discipline and correct in a way that does not wrongly embarrass or dishonor our children.  Perhaps some insight for a careful approach comes from Matthew 18:15, If your brother [child] sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother [child].

5. Legalism

Legalism tempts us to see our own good efforts as a tool in gaining ground with God.  

It is a real and present danger, in training our children, that they may get the impression that their following our rules and complying with our desires actually earns them brownie points or good standing with God.

We need to be careful even in how we praise obedience or good behavior.  I certainly know that as a mother, it makes my life easier when my son is listening and obeying right away.  I feel proud, thankful, and encouraged.  That's fine.  But what a danger, if I am lulled into a false sense of security and contentedness because I have a compliant child.

Galatians 3:11-14 says, Now that no one is justified by the Law before God is evident, for, "The righteous man shall live by faith." However, the Law is not of faith; on the contrary, "He who practices them shall live by them."  Christ redeemed us from the curse of the Law, having become a curse for us... so that we would receive the promise of the Spirit through faith.

The gospel says that we don't and can't earn points with God from our good efforts.  (They are filthy rags.)  But Christ came and lived in such perfection that He satisfied the call of the Law.  And if we trust in Him, then our guilt was put on His head and punished at the cross, and his perfect record is put on us, and we are called righteous before God.

That is what we want to set before our children, again and again.

6. Fear of man

Maybe this is an especially strong danger in church.  When we feel that our skill, wisdom, and expertise in parenting is some kind of record we need to keep up, fear of man can become the ruling factor in our response to any form of imperfection in our children.

What emotions stir when your child starts making noise in the middle of a church service?  Is your response different when disobedience occurs in front of people, rather than in private?  How much of your discipline is motivated by what people will think?

Fear of man--which is really another form of pride--is a very frequent temptation for me, so it takes a lot of prayer and dependence on the Holy Spirit to keep my perspective focused on truth, and my desire centered on pleasing just the audience of One who really matters.

Stop regarding man, whose breath of life is in his nostrils; for why should he be esteemed?--Isaiah 2:22

To be continued...

10 Dangers of Discipline, Part 1

Parenting is full of delight.  What a gift from God.

But it's full of lots of other things too.  Exhaustion, puzzlement, challenge.  I was reflecting a couple days ago about discipline--so essential for parenting.  One of our main ways to love the little people entrusted to our care.

And yet, with the wicked, sinful hearts we come with (not to speak of our kids'!), it's full of dangers... ways that we can distort the reflection of God's faithful, persevering discipline of His children.

Here's a list of 10 ways I thought of that we can miss the boat in discipline. Most points on this list came from considering the wrong impulses or temptations of my own heart.  It's surely not exhaustive, but maybe it will be helpful in thinking through and asking for God's help for more God-reflecting discipline in our homes.

1. Harshness and anger

Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart (Colossians 3:21).

When children seem to be intentionally pushing your buttons... when you're tired... when it feels absolutely unreasonable that they are choosing this most inconvenient moment to rebel... it is easy to lash out with (often self-righteous) anger and harshness.

How it must grieve the Lord when I fail to reflect His "compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness" character (Exodus 34:6).  

2. Lethargy and fatigue

Sometimes it feels like just. too. much. to respond one more time.  We may overlook disobedience or quiet rebellion, not because of prudent grace but because it's exhausting to step in, address the situation, and walk through the process, again, of training, correction, and restoration.

Sometimes you can almost feel the little one's spirit pushing, testing to see if he can get away with something if he just tries long enough.  It takes a lot of stamina, some days, to stay in the game.

But we are the earliest pictures of God given to our children, and we want to make a true reflection of His never-ending intervention for the good of our hearts.  So it is a gift to our children when we lean into grace for the strength to step in one more time when it's needed. 

Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary (Galatians 6:9).

3. Distraction

Maybe this wouldn't seem like a danger, more like a state-of-being for parents with small children (especially more than one).  Life is full of shifting priorities and more demands on our time than resources to supply.

But it is a real danger that we may forget the long-range importance of some things like discipline, under the louder-shouting urgency of other things.

When I'm in the middle of something, I'm often more likely to ignore behavior that should be responded to, simply because it means breaking away from what I'm in the middle of. I may subconsciously rationalize overlooking trouble, even though I would agree that finishing my grocery list is not as important as taking a teaching moment with my child.  

It struck home when I was reading this morning and came across this:

His own iniquities will capture the wicked, and he will be held with the cords of his sin.  He will die for lack of instruction, and in the greatness of his folly he will go astray (Proverbs 5:22-23).

I can forget that lack of instruction may be far more dangerous for my children than lack of milk and toilet paper.

To be continued...