Dear Victor

I held you on my lap tonight, rocking in the glider. Your toes curled and stretched, peeking out from your fuzzy blue pants.

We sang "And Can It Be?"--well, I did. You sucked on your paci and looked around the room. Did you hear the words?

I always sing horribly when I start getting choked up. The line struck me, "Can it be that I should gain an interest in my Savior's blood? Died He for me, who caused His pain, for me, who Him to death pursued."

To death pursued. That's an ugly thing, son. That's the state of my heart and your heart.

You were getting sleepy, as I snuggled you and explained what the song was about.

We have bad hearts, I do and you do. We don't love God and do what He says, even though He made us and gave us everything. Instead, we want to go our own way.

But God didn't leave us, He sent Jesus to come. Jesus didn't rebel against God. He did everything that God wanted Him to do. He lived perfectly.

And then He died. But not because He did bad things. No, He died to pay for the bad things that other people did. He died to pay the price for sins that I have done.

And the amazing thing is that God will look at His perfect life and count it for me. And He will look at my sin and count Jesus' death as payment, if I trust Him.

And just to prove that the exchange was good, God raised Jesus to life again, and now He lives with God and prays for us, and one day He will take us to live with Him.

That's the only thing that matters, baby boy.

Your little fingers were curled around mine, along with a long red hair twined around one. (It is the bane of your life always to have long red hairs stuck on you...) Sticky little fingers, holding on tight.

I wish I could seal you as His already. But that is a gift that only God gives. And so I will just keep rocking and singing to you, hoping for those truths to sink down and grip your heart. I will keep talking to you and kissing your soft cheeks, and someday you will know what those words mean.

And oh Jesus, how I will keep praying that You will be the love of my little boy's heart. Take Him, Jesus, and hold Him forever.