How Much?

Perhaps one of the great realizations coming from these weeks is how much I really expect to be able to hold onto.

Pick up your cross daily and follow Me.
Rejoice always.
Sanctify Christ as Lord in your heart.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

But when it comes right down to it, how much am I willing to let God be God over?

My third baby?
What about babies one and two?
What about my health?
What about my husband?
What about my whole future?

The uncertainty of the future feels risky to me. Why does it feel risky? There is more I stand to lose.

But truly, nothing has changed. The fundamental change is a shift of my focus and perspective. A deeper realization that the God I love and want to follow whole-heartedly knows what is good in ways that do not make sense to me, do not necessarily fit my paradigm.

I cannot change His sovereignty. I would not change it if I could. But will I rest in it, let Him hold all the questions of tomorrow and do with them what He sees best?

Will I find grace, like Jesus, to sleep in the boat while the wind and waves howl around?

May it be.