Letter to My Boys

Dear boys,

There are many things in my heart for you that don't make it into everyday conversation. You little cowboys make every day an adventure, and I love it.

The days are also full of needs... The need for patience. The need for a kiss for a skinned knee. For mediation of squabbles over a ball. For reminders that we do not make rude jokes. For 3 meals, 2 snacks, and the supply of countless missing or empty water bottles. Need for naps, feedings, changed diapers, sweet kisses, wiped noses. Need for Bible stories, blessings before bedtime, snuggles under special blankets.

Some needs I can meet (not as many as I might think, though). But woven through all the needs are reminders of how much I am not capable of supplying for you. In fact, all of your deepest and truest needs are outside of the scope of my care. And each day's needs bring a reminder of my own needs. And in turn, they pile up and bear down until I am pressed to a decision: what will I do with all this need?

The inclination is to bear them. To carry and heft all the needs around, getting snippy with those who add an extra need to the pile and layering anxiety, frustration, and anger into the mix of them.

It's an inborn trait, but it is not the right way. God doesn't give us needs so that we will buckle down and work harder. That we will be the martyr, always giving and never filled. That we will cast about for someone to blame for the overwhelming need that seeps into every crack of day and night. All that mound of needs comes with a call to bring them to bigger shoulders, roll them onto the vast, caring hand of One who can do what I never can.

You'll face this place of need too, my sons. Your days will bring their own burdens. Your shoulders will feel their own load. And it is my great prayer for you that as the need grows, you will daily, habitually, constantly, faithfully roll that load into the hands of your tender Savior. I pray that you will move toward need, not in a self-important hero mentality, but with the confidence of one who knows the supreme Need Meeter and is not afraid of sinking His boat with your own desperate needs or those of others.

I pray that God might draw you to moment-by-moment conversation with Him, to know the right word to say in a heated moment, to release what worries you, to find an inner supply of joy that doesn't run dry even when circumstances take a sour turn.

We pray for lost books and missing toys. We pray for the fire trucks and ambulances that pass with sirens. We pray for sweet sleep at night and for help to show kindness to one another. We pray for help to put away grumbling and with God's help to have a cheerful heart.

How I pray that God will take these little prayers and weave them into your heart as fibers of habit and hope that will deepen and multiply as you grow.

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need (Hebrews 4:16).

Always in a time of need,
Your momma

2 Months Old!

2 months old!

1 month old

2 weeks old

Dear Calvin,

Look how you made up for last month's crying picture with a big happy smile! You sweet little peanut. You are growing generous with your smiles, especially while we are changing your diaper and you get a little sleeper-free wiggle time.

You may be wearing the same sleeper as last month, but that is due to the combined factors of 1) Momma hasn't had time to dig out the next size of clothing and 2) I'm slightly in denial that you are already in need of them. (Who needs to straighten their legs, anyway?)

You are weighing in at a solid 13-something pounds, as of a week ago. This gives Momma the special big-baby-upper-body-workout, which is always valuable for weight training and calisthenics.

As boy #4, you are nevertheless setting some fine records in our family:

- First baby to have some happy tummy time (thus, the big smile above). You seem to have a bit of torticollis (or at least a strong inclination to look only to the right when sleeping), so we're trying to stretch and strengthen your neck as much as we can. And you've acclimated to tummy time fairly calmly, which is a pleasure to see.

- First baby to hold your head up this early (probably due to the tummy time)

- First baby to start sleeping 8pm-4am at less than 2 months of age (what?! Total gift of God. Keep fearing that I might do something to ruin this beautiful thing, but it's been a pretty solid 2 weeks that you have kept up the trend.)

You normally eat at 4ish in the morning, then 7am, and then sleep a bit more until 8am. Then you'll be up for an hour, take a morning snooze, eat again around 10am and we'll pack up for errands or a trip to a park or something. You generally doze off and on until after lunch, eat at 1pm and take a solid snooze from roughly 1:30-4pm. Then you'll eat and be up for an hour or so, maybe take another little nap around our supper time, get a touch fussy in the early evening, and eat and head to bed between 7-8pm. Champ.

One reason you receive tummy time with favor is that you have begun finding that fascinating and delicious fist of yours and will gum it and drool on it quite happily.

You typically eat in 10-15 minutes now. Occasionally you will really stretch it out to 20-30 minutes, and every couple weeks something will burble unhappily, causing drenching waves of spits, but the majority of times you are a peaceful and fairly expeditious feeder.


I've been starting to memorize part of Psalm 33, because it landed so sweetly on me when I came across it in my Bible reading this week:

The LORD looks from heaven; He sees all the sons of men; from His dwelling place He looks out on all the inhabitants of the earth, He who fashions the hearts of them all, He who understands all their works.

The king is not saved by a mighty army; a warrior is not delivered by great strength; a horse is a false hope for victory; nor does it deliver anyone by its great strength.

Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear Him, on those who hope for His lovingkindness, to deliver their soul from death and to keep them alive in famine.

Our soul waits for the LORD; He is our help and our shield, for our heart rejoices in Him, because we trust in His holy name.

Let Your lovingkindness, O LORD, be upon us, according as we have hoped in You. (Psalm 33:13-22).

You know, my son, it is a strong temptation to put hope in visible, tangible supports. Savings in the bank, legs that are strong, military defenses, a secure vocation. This is such a natural bent of the human heart. But this psalm reminds us that there is no safety in human supports, whether it is an army, an impressive physique, or a fast ride.

When the storms of life come, I pray you will remember and turn to the one Help and Shield that will never fail. May your heart find its joy in the refuge and salvation of God alone.

How I love you, little Calvin.

Momma

Strong and Safe

What jumped out to me this morning:

The LORD is my strength and my shield; in Him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to Him (Psalm 28:7).

There are a lot of things in life. Many interruptions. Many needs. Many cares. Many nagging concerns. Many dreams and aspirations. Many moments of doubt and confusion. Many demands. Many messes. Many duties. Many responsibilities and calls.

The day is full of reasons to feel weak and attacked.

In the thick of all that, what do I really need?

Not another cup of coffee.
Not a nap (well, not exclusively a nap).
Not a nanny.
Not a housecleaner.
Not a better to do list.
Not a better behavior management system.
Not a raise.
Not a cleaner house.
Not a cookie.
Not a vacation.

When the demands outtap my supply and the enemy presses in, crafty, heartless, and pervasive?

I need a strength beyond my own. I need a resource that will not run dry, a fountain of wisdom where I am foolish, a fountain of love where I am depleted. I need strength of faith and strength of character, strength of arms and strength of hope.

The LORD is my strength.

He spoke the universe into existence. He upholds it with the word of His power. His understanding is inscrutable; His great love overcame the greatness of my sin. He does not faint or grow weary. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might He increases strength. I am weak. I qualify. The LORD is my strength.

I need protection from an enemy I cannot see, cannot thwart, cannot escape alone. I need shelter, a hiding place, safety. I can't even see all the darts, can't distinguish every lie, can't escape the blows. I need a helper who will hide me under His wings.

The LORD is my shield.

If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? What can separate us from the love of God? Tribulation, distress, persecution, famine, peril, nakedness, sword? No. If He has settled us safe in His arms and declared we will be more than conquerors in the hollow of His hand, then safe we are. The LORD is my shield.

The LORD is my strength and my shield; in Him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to Him.

1 Month Old

1 month old!

2 weeks old

Dear Calvin,

Oh my. Here we are at the first month milestone. I have already packed up the newborn sleepers and newborn-size diapers. You are vastly over your birth weight (already up to 9 lb 7 oz at your 2 week checkup). You are cultivating some mighty fine chubby cheeks. And it is growing harder to remember what life was like without your sweet presence in our family.

Navigating the world with 4 small boys has certainly kept me on my toes, but I'm so thankful for you and the little posse of cowboys God has given to our family. We look a little like a parade in the grocery store... You in your carseat stroller with Victor pushing, Elliot in the cart I'm pushing, and Josiah with his mini cart. But so far the most direct comment (from a gentleman who saw us sorting ourselves out at the entrance to Cub) was, "Wow, 4 boys? You're so blessed." Which we certainly are.

At one month...

- You are eating and sleeping very well. You have routinely been going to bed between 8 and 9pm and then sleeping until an amazing (average time) of 2am! Sometimes it's 1am, once it was 3:15am! But regardless, that amazing gift of a chunk of hours to sleep at the beginning of the night has been tremendous.

- You can still be a leisurely eater, but it does not typically take more than a half hour anymore. Being the fourth-born, you eat out and about on a very regular basis. Car, park, church, soccer field, coffee shop, etc. Happily, you're a pretty low-maintenance eater, so this works out pretty well most of the time. You also have done well at adapting to sundry brothers forgetting that there is someone hidden under the nursing cover and knocking you on the head or such while you eat.

- You are a sweet little snuggle bug, and I think I'm taking advantage of this a little more than with your bigger brothers. Less agenda, less stress over figuring out a schedule (most days), and more enjoyment of this fleeting season.

- When we're out and about you split time between your carseat/stroller and the Baby K'tan. You do well in both, although when you're alert and feeling perky you push back like crazy in the K'tan to see what's going on around you.

- You are a strong boy, already holding up your head to see what's going on around you. You haven't been a huge spitter, but you will occasionally douse us both. This is typically saved for special occasions when we are far from home and in a public locale.

It strikes me regularly these days, how much we need God to break in and save us from ourselves. And so I pray for you again the verse that is on my heart for you:

He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit (Titus 3:5). 

May the strong and personal mercy of God rest on you and make you His own forever.

I love you, little Calvin.

Momma

2 Week Line-Up

Calvin at 2 weeks old

Elliot at 2 weeks old

Josiah at 2 weeks old

Victor at 2 weeks old

There they are ... 4 boys, 4 little newborn onesies, 4 precious little babies.

I can barely recollect what life was like in those early days of Sons 1, 2, and 3, a good reminder that these foggy newborn days are fleeting, regardless of what the middle-of-the-night feeding hours may speak to the contrary.

Calvin is following in his brother's footsteps in many regards--a peaceful baby in general, eating every 3 (sometimes 4) hours, mostly falling back asleep quite easily when done.

The big brothers are acclimating. As one might expect, #3 is having the rockiest adjustment (especially now that Grammy has returned home and the adult-child ratio is stretched a bit thinner). But all are loving little brother, enjoying the summer freedom from schedule, and grateful for each day's mercies.

The Name: Calvin David

Dear Calvin,

You are the fourth little boy God has given to our family, which means that a fair number of boy names have already been employed in our little clan. But nevertheless, we love the name that God gave us for you, and it comes with many prayers for His hand to be strong in your life from your earliest days, to make you a lover of Jesus and pointer to His grace always.

"Calvin," as it turns out, means "bald." It may not seem the noblest of names, as far as that goes (though other worthy men have been called similar things). But the primary reason we chose Calvin for your name is a man named John Calvin, who lived many years ago. He was a pastor, a lover of God and lover of people, and God used him in very great ways.


Here are a few ways we hope that God will shape your heart like your namesake's:

John Calvin saw this world as God’s theater where God's glory is always on display. God's fingerprints in everything--in all of creation and every moment of your life--we pray you will be continually growing in wonder at how big and grand God is.

Calvin was absorbed and convinced that the most important thing in the universe was the glory of God. We are made to revel in that glory ... not to try to snag some of it for ourselves. We will find our hearts' deepest satisfaction and most overflowing joy as we behold His greatness! So our whole lives grow in meaning and gladness when we point others to see and marvel in how great is our God.

Calvin loved God's Word, and in the Bible he saw Jesus lifted up as the greatest One for our hearts to seek after. Every verse has pointers and whispers to the greatness of God and the staggering gift of grace that He has given in His Son.

Calvin was an influencer. As we seek God to be the greatest influence in your life, we also pray that God will use you to move others toward Him as well.

The verse that came to me for you is this:

He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit (Titus 3:5).

 May your eyes always be fixed on Jesus and your heart confident, resting fully on His strong grace.

Your middle name "David" is also in honor of a great man. Of course, King David received one of the highest commendations in the Bible, being called "a man after God's own heart." And Daddy has been recently reading about and reflecting on God's work in David's life.

But in fact, you are named after another David, David Livingston, a.k.a. Grandpa David, who has been boss, friend, and one of the "northern parents" God has gifted to me.

Within just a few weeks after I graduated from college in 2004, I began working for Pastor David at Bethlehem. Along with some other pastors over the course of years, I got to work for him clear up to your biggest brother's birth in 2012. He was, of course, a great boss, but more than that he and Karin, with characteristic grace and hospitality, just welcomed me into their home and family and have become irreplaceably dear as counselors, mentors, examples, and friends.

Pastor David gave Daddy a thorough investigation when he first expressed interest in getting to know me, and when God brought us together, Daddy got welcomed into the Livingstons' hearts too.

Pastor David has taught me very much about prayer, showing his own great confidence in God through calling out to him in prayer meetings, hallway conversations, hospital rooms, meetings, and almost any other corner of life. His influence has given me a greater love and desire to be a fervent-pray-er-without-ceasing to our wonderful, hearing God.

Pastor David has demonstrated great love for others, including a pastoral, shepherding heart through many difficult circumstances when it would have been far easier to simply step away from a relationship and pursue another direction altogether. He is tenacious in friendship and remarkable in recall for peoples' names, circumstances, and stories.

David and Karin (Grandpa David and Nana) have already visited you and prayed for you, a gift and legacy of which only eternity will show the full fruit.

So, little son, your names are reminders and pointers to jars of clay who have nevertheless been filled greatly with the grace of God. May He be pleased to take your life and heart and similarly use them to show others His great glory.

We love you so, Calvin David!

Momma

Introducing... Calvin David Katterson

Dear Calvin,

You were a sweet little Father's Day gift to us, born Sunday, June 17 at 4:26pm. And a fitting kick-off to Jr High Summer Camp week (which your papa is missing, so he could be here to meet you). You joined us 4 days ahead of schedule, but at just the right time.

You were 7 lb 10 oz and 20 inches long, with more hair than your big brothers had at this stage. You've been more sleepy than hungry and already a sweet little snuggle bug.

Your big brothers think you are cute and Josiah couldn't stop giving you kisses. Yes, little one, we are so glad you have joined our family!

Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow (James 1:17).

We thank God for you, Calvin, and we pray for His hand to write your name in His book of life through the blood of Jesus, so that you may enjoy the deepest joy in His presence forever!

We love you, little one,
Momma