Graduation!

Last night was remarkable.

Commencement from Bethlehem College & Seminary. The end of one journey and the beginning of another.

Oh, how much life has happened since Ben started seminary 4 years ago. How many papers written, diapers changed, books read, miles driven, milestones marked, memories made. Late nights, early mornings, long hours, weary eyes, full hearts.

I am so proud of you, love.

You have pressed on along a long journey. You've leaned on grace, fought for faith, romped with our boys even when papers called. You have had an open ear to my requests and concerns, a closed eye to many of my faults and sins, a warm hug at the end of many long days.

I am so glad to be at your side. And gladder still that we are both held by the everlasting arms. May He hold us fast. I love you!

Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen. Jude 24-25

100 Things I'm Thankful for in Our First 100 Months

100. When you send me to a coffee shop on Saturday morning to read my Bible and pray
99. Your accents
98. How you make me not self-conscious in group settings
97. Your pillow fights with the boys
96. Pizza night on Saturdays
95. When you hold the boys and sing with fervor during worship
94. Your cute smile
93. Shoulder massages
92. Our trip to Duluth for your birthday, about 6 months after we got married, when I got really mad at you for buying a huge specialty coffee
91. Chipotle burrito bowls with a tortilla on the side
90. Really good root beer
89. Family movie nights with popcorn (and Mighty Machines)
88. Praying for the "help-you cars" when we hear a siren
87. Our wedding verses: Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. Faithful is He who called you, and He will surely do it. 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24 (half ESV, half NASB... half for you, half for me :) )
86. Early mornings setting up for worship at the South Site
85. When our car got towed at 4am one snowy Sunday morning. And it had the South sermon tape in it and the bulletins and everything that we needed for the worship service that morning! And your dad came and took me to the impound lot at 6am to get it, and God worked it out so everything was fine for church.
84. Your working in the South nursery every Sunday, back then
83. Watching Napoleon Dynamite at the Heinrichs with the South staff
82. Going to Cape Town with you for the Lausanne Conference over our 2nd wedding anniversary
81. How you love to travel
80. How you have been content to stay here with me so long
79. How you love to dream about traveling to bless and encourage our missionaries
78. How you always get excited to hear from our missionaries and still tell me we might go overseas someday
77. How you care about me and want to be sure I'm okay
76. How you and Aaron Davitch were hilarious together in the office
75. Early morning prayer meetings
74. You surprised me by arranging for me to go horseback riding on my birthday.
73. You persevered and finished your elementary ed degree.
72. When you made me white chocolate covered strawberries for Valentine's Day
71. Watching the entire Lord of the Rings series at the 501 Building
70. Going back to the Williams' cabin for our first anniversary
69. Running the Indi Mini together with Lori and my dad
68. Your tenderness to me in the hospital after Victor was born and I was so weak and sore and he was in NICU
67. How you always get excited to go to a wedding with me (free date!) and then you tell me that our wedding is still your favorite
66. Dinners at the Livingstons
65. You like my haircuts.
64. Family hikes at Lebanon Hills
63. Pray and Plans for our fam
62. When the pipes burst at the cabin where we were having a weekend getaway
61. Your vastly overspending "the underwear budget" to get me special things
60. Our date at the Melting Pot a week before Josiah was born
59. Your little black Geo
58. How you heard God's prompting to apply for BCS. Even though it was past the deadline and you were getting ready to start student teaching.
57. When you transitioned from being Logistics Coordinator to South Youth guy. (And we got to sleep in on Sundays and get home from church way before 3:30pm!)
56. Our first apartment at 3416 Portland Ave.
55. Having Char over for supper at our first apartment, and she drove that cute little green Bug and was such a blessing to us.
54. All Night of Prayers
53. How you love going to Iowa
52. Watching the BBC version of Persuasion with you. And how you like it too.
51. Your men's group and the way you prayed for those guys and loved them and were spurred on by them.
50. You're such a goofball.
49. How you love your mom. And my mom.
48. How you love your dad. And my dad.
47. How you respect and honor our pastors and elders at church
46. You accept even my most broken parts.
45. You're Positivity, Adaptability, Belief, Woo, and ??
44. I'm Responsibility, Harmony, Belief, Connectedness, and Input.
43. You loved that roasted chicken at Grizzlies up north.
42. How you jumped in as the Jr High guy Downtown, and how you just loved being with those kids and they loved being with you.
41. Walking around the lake with you
40. Sharing a decaf peppermint white chocolate mocha (my favorite) and looking at baby names in Barnes & Noble
39. Serving in the prayer room at DG Conferences together.
38. Going house hunting with you
37. Family dates at Costco with a huge pepperoni pizza and free samples
36. Squeezing 50 people into our basement apartment for a Christmas open house
35. How the boys get super happy when you come home from work
34. Celebrating Christmas with all the Kattersons when your mom and Jon came to town
33.The Fighter Verse skit when we were an elderly married couple...
32. Sitting side by side on the couch, even if we are just working on our own computers
31. When you bring me things you pick up for free somewhere and you know that it makes me so much happier than when you spend money on me
30. You don't mind when I put my cold feet on your warm legs.
29. Surprising you with all the boys when you are studying at Dunn Bros
28. How you are teaching our boys to take special care for ladies, like their Momma
27. When you like the food I cook
26. When you and the boys wash the dishes for me after supper
25. You encourage me and make it possible for me to use my gifts at church
24. You work hard to keep your priorities in order, even when lots of "good activities" could crowd out family time or such
23. You value my input and opinions
22.  Hearing you read books to the boys
21. Getting to know your friends as I got to know you
20. Hiking at Taylors Falls on a weekend away
19. When we took all 3 boys to Stillwater and went for a walk across the bridge, and halfway through a truck gunned its engine next to us and freaked out all 3 of them into hysterics
18. Family ice cream outings
17. Cheesecake Factory dates
16. You didn't get frustrated at me, walking the path of miscarriage and the emotional toll that took
15. Cozying up next to you on the couch to hear updates about your day after the boys are in bed
14. When you decided to get up earlier in the morning so that you'd have more time with God
13. When you decided to make yourself a schedule (even though you dislike them) so that you would be able to be intentional and purposeful in your use of time
12. How you love sharing with others
11. You want to keep pushing toward greater generosity in our lives
10. How you love to read Scripture on Sundays
9. Going to pre-service prayer with you
8. You want the gospel to shape our home in every way possible
7. When you make me a cup of coffee with cream and sugar, just how I like it
6. When you fold the laundry for me and put it away just to surprise me
5. You don't mind that I keep a "low maintenance" kind of look (i.e. mostly never wear make-up).
4. Watching Fixer Upper with you
3. You love connecting with people across the whole spectrum of ages and stages of life. I love that you want to reach out to the elderly and you relate to young people. There pretty much isn't anybody you don't want to connect with.
2. You take care not to embarrass me in public.
1. I just love being your partner in this life... caring for our boys, ministry to Jr Highers, tending to our home, sharing our families, reaching out to neighbors, finishing studies. These are days full of glorious, mundane, many-colored mercies, and I am so thankful for being next to you in the middle of them.

It's been a wonderful 100 months. And like always, with Jesus, the best is yet to come.

I love you.

Your Last 2 Pennies

And He looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the treasury. And He saw a poor widow putting in two small copper coins. And He said, "Truly I say to you, this poor widow put in more than all of them; for they all out of their surplus put into the offering, but she out of her poverty put in all that she had to live on." Luke 21:1-4

We admire this widow, don't we? To be "caught" (by Jesus) in the act of such sweet, unself-conscious worship of the Almighty God, to so trust in the Faithful Creator that we wouldn't cling to our last two coins but tuck them secretly in the offering plate and leave all our future to His care ... that would be a gracious thing indeed.

When it comes down to our own lives, we may find it a little hard to relate. Sure, money might be tight, but most of us have more than two coins to rub together. But maybe we can glean a lesson from this widow nonetheless.

There are days when you do feel, quite literally, like you are down to your last two pennies' worth of energy. Or patience. Or stamina. Or strength.

Days when the baby cries, the toddler has an accident on the carpet, supper burns, your jeans rip, siblings squabble, and your beloved husband totally misses the cue that you need help. You feel like you're drowning in a sea of need with no lifeboats in sight.

Months--maybe years--when you never sleep through a night uninterrupted.
Not just a pile, but mountain ranges of laundry, unfolded and unsorted.
Dishes from breakfast crowding out the crusts left from lunch where you are trying to make supper.

Mommy, I need to be wiped.
Mommy, I want a cup of juice.
Mommy, I lost my boot at the park.
Mommy, my science project is due tomorrow.
Mommy, please braid my hair.
Mommy, can you give me a ride to the party?
Mommy, the dog just puked.
Mommy, he broke my toy.
Mommy, where is my backpack?
Mommy, I don't like this food.

Days of fog and fatigue that threaten to crush out your last ounce of cheer with the sheer mountain of work that lies around you.

What do you do, when you're down to your last two cents' worth of energy, and one more crisis comes? You want to scream, "Have mercy! Doesn't anyone here care that I haven't showered in a week, haven't eaten breakfast or lunch, can't find matching socks for any member of this family, and have a splitting headache?" You have only one set of hands to meet all the avalanche of need that keeps rolling over you. You've been pressed down, wrung out, and hung to dry, and you feel like you have simply nothing left to give.

Nothing but two tiny pennies' worth of care.

This is the time, sweet friend, when you may offer a gift of immeasurable worth. When you trust that God will somehow see, somehow supply, somehow sustain you after you pour out your last two cents' worth of strength--that is an offering that Jesus sees and receives.

When you give "all that you have to live on," it is there that you find He is watching. He cares, and He counts those two pennies' poured out as very great indeed.

P.S. But read this too... 

Incidentally, I didn't write this because I'm feeling down to my last two pennies. When I showed it to Ben before posting, he said, "Oh, are you feeling overwhelmed?" And I'm not, right now. I've been there. But this has been a sweet season of largely refreshment and peace. 

When You Still Don't Know

Last night's relief at the end of Victor's throwing up was short-lived.

This morning he climbed out of his bunkbed at 6:10am (2 min later than normal), and I heard him crying, standing on the trundle bed where I slept last night. By the time I got to him, I was barely in time to catch vomit in my left hand (totally ineffective in trying to prevent it from getting on the bed, pillow, and floor).

He threw up every 30 min after that, though he had no food or drink in him.

So, by 8:15am, my dad and I loaded him up in the van and headed to Children's Hospital. In delightful contrast to our last ER experience with Victor, there was no one in the waiting room.

The doc came in and saw us fairly quickly, and she ordered a strep test, because his throat was pretty raw. (Me, groaning inside for Ben at camp with whatever this is...)

It was a pretty smooth turnaround, once they gave Victor some Zophran he was 15 min later chomping down a red popsicle, happy as a clam. We watched 3 Mighty Machines videos, and the doctor came back.

The strep test was negative (whew), and she said it seems likely he has something of a virus, similar to hand, foot, and mouth disease.

"I think Zophran will get you through this," she said.
What does that mean? I wondered to myself.

So, with prescriptions for our beloved Zophran and a mouth rinse, home we went.

Victor had a bowl of applesauce, and my mom was getting some lunch ready when he spoke the dreaded words, "Mom, I'm going to have spits!"

So I sat by him, holding the bucket, crying silently to God. What do we do? Can't have more Zophran for 6 hours. Already did ER. Where do we go from here?

___________

My Bible time this morning was on Philippians 4:7. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I cross-referenced Isaiah 26:3, The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace, because he trusts in You.

And John 14:27, Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. Not as the world gives, do I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled; do not be afraid.

I was thinking, this remedy of God for our anxieties is peace. Not a perfect, instant solution to our problems. Not an umbrella against the rain. No "free pass to comfort" card. But peace that guards. Peace that keeps. Peace in the middle of the mess, when you still don't know how it's going to work out.

Peace that works like faith, for when we can't yet see.

___________


So I sat there for a couple minutes, holding the bucket and praying, waiting for whatever was coming next.

And, it was a false alarm.
A few minutes later, his tummy was calm again.

A deep sigh of relief. And a realization (again) that I can't wait for "everything to be okay" to exhale, to find rest in God, to be okay.

Because I still don't know what today (or tomorrow) will hold. But there is a kind of quiet waiting that is okay with that. And I think I'm in training to learn that quiet peace. 

Pep Talk: Reasons to Exercise

[In case there was a question, the person I'm preaching to here is me. If someone else is helped, good.]

This morning I ran 2 miles on a treadmill. It was horrible. I forgot that running on treadmills always leaves me feeling nauseous and woozy. (I think it's because I always spit all. the. time. when I run, and on a treadmill I have to just choke on that nasty phlegm the whole time...) Anyway.

After recovering from that, here are 5 reasons why I should not and (hopefully) will not quit pushing to get some form of physical exercise in my life. 

1. Good decisions tend to beget good decisions. As witnessed by the fact that this morning I had a bowl of cereal and a fruit smoothie for breakfast. Instead of a huge cinnamon roll. Speaking very pragmatically, when I realize the amount of physical exertion required to burn 208 calories, it makes me a little more sensible about what I pop in my mouth on a whim. And getting in the habit of making wiser decisions ... that's helpful in a lot of ways.

2. You are more likely to pray, memorize, and review Scripture while you exercise. I may not have derived too much deep spiritual insight from my rough review of Colossians 1-2 this morning, since I was basically just desperate to take my mind off the horribly slow progress of blinking lights around the loop on the treadmill, but nevertheless those words are fresher in my mind than they were before. And normally when I'm outside and moving, it's a great time to pray, since I have to focus my mind anyway to keep pushing forward.

3. When you are stronger, you have more energy to love your family and others. When I'm tired, low energy, and feeling weak all over, it's an extra hurdle to putting others' interests ahead of my own and jumping into loving people around me. I've had long seasons when I just haven't gotten enough sleep at night to muster the strength to exercise during the day. But when I'm at a pretty "normal" rest level, then working to get consistent exercise has definitely been a big energy and strength booster. And even when I'm too tired for an intense workout [intense = 2 mile run, ha!], even getting some fresh air for a short walk is a good boost.

4. It's a good reminder that the flesh is a good servant and terrible master. When I'm on the homestretch in a run, often the words that come to mind are, "Therefore, I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave, so that after I have preached to others I myself will not be disqualified for the prize." There is something in exercise that reminds me not to coast in the rest of life.

5. If you exercise, you may live longer. As Paul says, "That will be fruitful labor for me."


And 3 points to balance the perspective:

1. Exercise can take too big a place.
2. Your body is a temple. Worship God with it, and not body image, physical victories, or acseticism.
3. All things are created by God and good, when received with gladness and prayer. Even huge cinnamon rolls, thank You Jesus.

Mothering: Hold On, Let Go

When life hits a big bend in the road, it definitely illuminates the things you most prize.

Security.
Comfort.
Predictability.
Productivity.

Receiving the gift of a child comes as a package deal: priceless soft skin, sweet milk dribbling from the corner of a little mouth, painful wake-up calls every 3 hours (or sooner), soft cooing, diaper rash, spit-up, teeny-tiny newborn sleepers, inexplicable bloody screaming, and general upheaval from whatever used to be normal.

Having a couple of those packages now, I see something of what 1 Timothy 2:15 was talking about: But women will be preserved through the bearing of children if they continue in faith and love and sanctity with self-restraint.

Of course, no woman is saved by having a baby... all that pain and blood and exhaustion is not redemptive in itself.  But to continue in faith and love and sanctity, with self-restraint... to walk the hard (and very sweet... but very hard) road of coughs and food allergies and mastitis and temper tantrums and potty training and sometimes unrelenting 24-hour duty of caring for small people who are vulnerable, immature, and needy... it presses one down to the very bottom of self-sufficiency and into trust in the One who is bigger. 

Every family has its stories of blood, sweat, and gore, when absolutely everything was more than they could handle (stomach flu, finals, colic, joblessness, bankruptcy, insomnia, allergies... often all piled together).  Families are, perhaps, destined to wear the brokenness of this world like war wounds; almost killed us, survived by a hair, stronger now.

And even when the times are good, parenting is full of heartache. 

Just look at how big the kids are getting.  Feel the good-bye on the horizon (in 18 years or sometime sooner), when your season of care is over and God draws them onward to their own independent adventure in life.  Your heart gets all braided together with the fibers of these small people, and in the end, God doesn't intend for them to stay with you.  Perhaps a bit like Mary the mother of Jesus, every parent may feel the sword pierce your own heart whenever it strikes them... but you can't take it for them.

It calls for a particular kind of courage, the kind of gentle and quiet heart that will receive with an open hand all the good, the bad, and the ugly that God deems wise to send... and relinquish with an open hand when the season turns and something priceless has to be let go.

And in the process, I think God burns out a lot of selfishness and self-confidence and leaves us a bit more ready to call heaven home.

Greek Studies: A Letter to Benjamin

Dear Ben,

You started BCS Greek on Monday.  Tuesday you missed class to come to the Staff Day Away, partly to help me haul all my stuff, partly because it's a hard thing to miss.  You helped at the first Sup 'n Stuff Tuesday evening, and we had a really late night (well, for us).

And Wednesday after class you were feeling overwhelmed, behind, lost. 

It's a year's worth of Greek crammed into 8 painful weeks.  Connie wasn't kidding when she said it's "Suicide Greek."  And to spice things up, if you don't pass the Greek exam at the end, you can't start seminary this fall.  You don't really seem to get rattled about stuff like that, but that's the kind of thing I can lie awake meditating on at 2:30am.

But God didn't bring you here to paralyze you with fear of failure.  For both of us, here's another chance to check the box of our inadequacy and throw all our eggs into the basket of God's faithful care (to mix my metaphors).

Like we've considered before, this really isn't about Greek.  Well, not only about Greek.

Another lesson in faithful labor at the task at hand.
Another lesson in relinquishing some fun, carefree, short-term preferences because something of greater value is at stake.
Another lesson in committing our cares to God, who cares for us.
Another lesson in finding His grace sufficient for our weakness.
Another lesson in waiting on the Lord, to see what help He will bring.
Another lesson in joyful perseverance through the sometimes hard slogging of daily work.
Another lesson in letting Him order our steps and prioritize the tasks of each day.
Another lesson in His perfect provision when our supplies are tapped out.

I was hulling strawberries, thinking about your goal in studying this Greek.

To "be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the word of truth" (2 Tim. 2:15).

To entrust "the things which you have heard ... to faithful men who will be able to teach others also" (2 Tim. 2:2).

To "endure all things for the sake of those who are chosen, so that they also may obtain the salvation which is in Christ Jesus and with it eternal glory" (2 Tim. 2:9).

It might feel like a lot of grammar and vocab, but underneath that I trust that God is using this to shape your heart.

We've been so privileged to be shepherded by some very noble men.

I pray that Victor grows to see you shepherd others nobly, in whatever context God will bring us.

I love you,
Amy

Sufficient

I signed up for a half marathon run in August. I’ve run half marathons before, so I knew what I was getting myself into—however, I’ve always trained in the very early spring and been finished with the whole affair by mid-May. When I did my first semi-longish run this June (a mere 5 miles), one humid Saturday afternoon, I realized that this was going to be a different animal.

I like to run, generally speaking. But the summer heat and humidity just flatten me. I have typically trotted for an occasional 2 or 4 miles over the summer—and been glad to end at that. But the kind of long, intensifying training runs that a half marathon require are a humbling reminder of how weak I really am.

This morning it was 9 miles. I woke up feeling depleted and weak. To be honest, I’ve been dreading the 9 mile run ever since I finished the wretched 8 mile run last week. And this particular week has been one of the more grueling (not bad, just packed with demands).

By mile 1, I was tired. I typically count off the half-mile stretches and mentally track my course, but I just couldn’t. I knew I wasn’t strong enough to finish. So for the remaining 8 miles of the run, I fixed my eyes on a spot on the sidewalk 10 or 20 feet ahead and ran to it.

Then I picked another spot. And so forth. Every time I lifted my head to see the long hill ahead or the distant mile marker I was crawling toward, I wanted to quit. So I’d look down again for the next crack or tuft of grass or paint splotch and run 10 feet farther.

The verse that has been cropping up the past few weeks is 2 Corinthians 12:9:

And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for [My] power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

I finally crossed the official ending line (the crack in front of the neighbor’s driveway) and slowed to walk. My left pinky toe had a blister (developed at mile 7), and I was spent. But at the same time, it was exhilarating to experience, in my own body, a spiritual reality that will hold true no matter what the traumas, trials, or temptations may come in the days ahead.

One leg at a time, one aching step at a time, His grace will carry me through.